be the heroine

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i’ve never done sad very well.

i can still remember our family room in nashville. dark wood paneling. tv on the left side, kitchen was on the right. i was watching gomer pyle. sarge was yelling at him and i was so sad for gomer. so sad i was crying. mom or dad walked by, that part i don’t remember, and i made sure they didn’t see me crying. i must have been 6 years old.

when we would watch the waltons as a family, i would usually lie on the floor, close to the tv. that show seemed to often leave me teary. by golly, i’d be sure to suck it up before i got up. still, not wanting anyone to see me cry. i was probably 15.

when gregg passed away i remember someone asking if i ever wanted to just crawl in bed and pull up the covers, closing off the world. my answer was simply this. i can’t. if i go there, mentally & physically, i’m afraid i won’t ever come back. i was 30.

a few years later, after my second miscarriage with dan, i felt that awful feeling of despair creep in. it was like the sadness & grief from gregg’s death that i had successfully packaged away and thought i had… you know…. dealt with , found a crack in the floor and was slowly creeping in.

several years ago, i remember going to see the doctor for strep. while i was there he asked if i needed anything else. i humbly told him i felt like i wasn’t doing so great and maybe could use a little help. maybe 10 mg of something that would help pull me back to to the usual paige. he quickly responded that maybe i should exercise more. that being a stay at home mom ( despite the fact that i was and have always been an avid runner and i was actually working at the hospital, with what he would consider ” a real job” thankyouverymuch) i was prone to feeling unhappy. maybe i should take up ballroom dancing. ballroom dancing.  i politely said thankyou and left. without any 10 mg white little pill. and never mentioned it to anyone else again. that sadness went away. it did. sans ballroom dancing. and the “old paige”,well she did come back.

anyways.

i don’t know why i’m like that. but i just don’t like sadness. maybe no one does. but it’s like i have this phobia of it. i’m no pollyanna, but still.

ironically, i feel like i’m an open book. i’ll share anything. and basically i’ll share it with anyone. i don’t keep secrets. in fact, i like really don’t keep secrets because i forget others don’t like to share every single flipping details of their life with others like i do. you know, actually,you can share your secrets with me because odds are i’ll actually forget the secret itself before i spill your beans. i don’t mind people knowing my failures. i don’t mind sharing my fears and worries. that’s probably why blogging has always been an easy medium for me. i genuinely want to be on here who i am in flesh & bone.

but here’s the deal. i’m broken. my heart right now is all in a mess. i feel like that little 6 year old who can’t stop crying but i don’t want anyone to see me. i didn’t just mess up a day or forget to send in cupcakes for a class party. it sounds like i have blown it and blown it for a while in some big areas of my parenting. i wanted you to know  that i am intentionally not going to share or write about parenting for a while. i’ve never ever wanted anyone to think i have it all together. i haven’t. but right now i’m feeling a little raw, a little broken in my failure & i can’t see out of this hole. i’ve stepped down from a group writing collaborative that focuses on parenting as well. if i can i figure out how to close comments on this post i will. not because i don’t want anyone’s help but because i don’t want to make this a pity party. i just don’t do sad well & especially not in front of others.

i know, believe me i know, there is much to learn and much healing can come from admitting failure but this platform is too big for this part of me right now and my heart is too fragile. it’s just not a good mix.

i know the lord is working on my heart this past calendar year. i’ve struggled with feeling unworthy of much of the gifts and opportunities the Lord has given me.  i’ll share more about that later as i’m sure if this post isn’t cheerful enough, there’s more. i probably didn’t really realize it until a few weeks ago. and now i’m pretty overwhelmed in my spirit to add this on top of an already messed up heart.

but here’s another thing. i am not feeling the victim at all in this situation. i’m not a victim. i’m not trying to take what is going on in my heart and in my little world as “oh woe is me. i failed. i think i’ll go wallow in my sadness”. clearly my children are who i’ve hurt. i have done many things wrong in my parenting. many. it’s a mighty heavy load to realize failures once your kiddos are all grown up. when they’re four they forget, when they’re , well, not four, they remember. they process. they hold on to. things fester and become larger than life.

i know i serve a god who can take ashes and make something beautiful. i know he can restore the lost years. i know he is a restorer. he is healer. he is god who continually gives grace and mercy. i do. but that doesn’t discount that i feel i have many many lost years and my heart feels like ashes. today anyways. beauty will come & i know restoration is already beginning. but if you’ll just bear with me while i step away from the subject of parenting. for a little while.

this gorgeous sign is available in my friend tiffini’s shop. she contacted me recently that it was on it’s way. i wept. like i stopped what i was doing and was overcome. and i wept. she had no idea what a crappy yucky ugly place i was in that day. she didn’t.

it never ceases to amaze me that the lord reaches out , through someone unbeknownst to them, and blesses. he sees us and he sees every tear.  he knows our tattered hearts. he loves us despite the bad choices, the words we say that hurt others, the generational sins that leave families torn and broken year after year. he loves us despite our mess, while we’re in our mess. he does. he offers hope & healing. he loves. my word for this year is love. sounds pretty monumental but not only am i trying to operate out of love, i might need some help accepting his love as well.

thank you tiffini for being a continual light & blessing to me. & you’re right. be the heroine.

snow day 2014 014-1

January 30, 2014 - 10:41 am

Dana - Sending love and prayers. I can sure you that you do not walk this path alone. There is probably no more humbling job ..than that of parenting. And our God NEVER fails to bring good out of our struggles…He’s just that big! Much love!

January 30, 2014 - 10:50 am

Amy Avery - Paige, sweet friend, I’m here and praying for you. May God’s peace and love fill you as you trust in him. Love you!

January 30, 2014 - 10:57 am

Lucinda - Paige,
All your experiencing I think is quiet common you’re just brave enough to talk about it. I blame a lot of these emotions on that little bitch called hormones at least for me that seems like a lot of the issues.
Carry on it will get better…better times are on the horizon.

January 30, 2014 - 11:14 am

ellie - being a mom is hard. the.hardest.thing.ever. i feel like i am a total failure at it. however. i have some great kids. and you do too. when i was a young mom i remember thinking about all may failings and the scripture – “love covers a multitude of sins” was brought to my mind. i believe that to be true in parenting especially. we all make mistakes. if we love our children as best as we can then they will be ok.

3 To all who mourn in Israel he will give: beauty for ashes; joy instead of mourning; praise instead of heaviness. For God has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for his own glory.
Isaiah 61:3 Living Bible

you have always encouraged and inspired me!!

xoxo ellie

January 30, 2014 - 11:24 am

susie - Oh Paige, my heart is breaking for you. I know you didn’t want a pity party, but I want you to know your not alone. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. I too, look back and wish I had handled certain things differently with my children. One thing I do know is that my children know how much they are loved, just as your girls do. Hang in there. Sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way.

Susie

January 30, 2014 - 11:28 am

giosmama2626 - Paige-
You’re in my deepest of prayers. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You have an amazing family and your girls are wonderful. Parenting isn’t easy, God never promised days without rain and pain either. It’s all part of the process. If every parents was PERFECT how would our kids really LEARN the ropes of life? It’s a struggle every single day as they grow and we grow. We gotta keep up, remain hip, their best friend, and above all still be their parent. Your girls clearly hold the highest of respect for you. It’s obvious through every post, every picture. Life just SUCKS sometimes. Sometimes it’s all too much to bare. Sometimes it’s all too good to be true. What I admire the most about you is that you’re not afraid to talk about it and share. Your open to listen to our words and take our advice. You don’t paint the perfect picture, you give us the details all the way down to the core. That in itself takes courage. Your girls know your love for them and they see your courage. Don’t forget the smiles you see on their faces every day. That’s because of the special life you’ve built around them. The love for God that you’ve blessed them with. Rise up above it all and show your beaming heart. You’re a great person with a wonderful spirit *and a super great sense of style* at that. Best of luck on this “not to picture perfect” moment. I know you’ve got this one.

Stay blessed and stay true-
D

January 30, 2014 - 11:59 am

Jill - xo~

January 30, 2014 - 12:05 pm

Suzi - As a mother of 4 close to middle age girls, man that is amazing to admit and say but 3 of them are in their 30″‘s…Anyways I can so identify with your heartfelt sadness in parenting that you expressed so eloquently. Somehow it would seem that parenting should be somewhat easier as our girls age but in all honestly I’ve found that it gets harder and deeper which leads to more introspection as a mother. And as we go deeper looking back some glaring errors become so apparent in parenting and the effects of those glaring errors seem to have brought about such stunningly awful reactions in our girls with far ranging effects. Just know precious Paige that no matter how awful, deep, out of control, sad you are feeling I’ve felt the same and with grandchildren feeling the effects of my errors it feels even worse BUT our God is a sovereign God of purpose. He picked you to be your precious girls parent knowing all about everything you are now carrying a heavy sadness about and He is waiting to carry you thru. Not waiting necessarily to fix all the issues but to carry you. So lean in sweet one He is there. And I promise and more importantly He promises to use everything and He really means everything for the good of those who love and serve Him which means exactly you!!

January 30, 2014 - 12:12 pm

Alaina - I can’t express how much I enjoy visiting your blog, not just for your beautiful home, or your amazing photography skills. It is how you write and share of yourself that I enjoy the most. I am a crier. My children know if they ask me to read certain books to them I am going to cry, I especially have a love/hate relationship with the Giving Tree. It is a release for me. Yes I too sometimes try to hide it, but I usually feel much better for having cried in the first place. I am sorry you feel you have failed, I really don’t think you have. Sometimes it takes a child to become a parent to really appreciate the parent and all they have done for them. There really is no perfect parent. I wish your heart to heal. Alaina

January 30, 2014 - 12:42 pm

KC - Paige,

Although I only know you through your blog, I consider you a friend……be strong and know you are not alone. The teenage years are the worst and at times I would just beat myself up mentally wondering where did I go wrong.

Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

…..no matter how trifle…….

January 30, 2014 - 1:11 pm

beth cleary - praying…

January 30, 2014 - 1:12 pm

Andrea - Sweet Paige…..I’m a mother and a woman who is way to hard on herself….more than anyone else could ever be…. I am praying for you.

January 30, 2014 - 1:18 pm

Roxanne - I’m sending you LOVE…and a few xoxo’s

January 30, 2014 - 2:18 pm

Michelle Cheney - Parenting is hard. Prayers your way Paige. You inspire many of us even when you don’t feel much like an inspiration. Thank you for sharing. 🙂

January 30, 2014 - 3:01 pm

Ella - Paige,
No pitying here, just letting you know that I feel for you.
As sad as you feel now, it will pass & you will get over it. Pray that happens fast.

January 30, 2014 - 3:04 pm

Laura - Lifting you in prayer, my friend. I think many of us feel the same way you are feeling at this moment. I work as a guidance counselor by profession, and am a mom to three…I know what it is to try so very hard to be the best mom I can be each and every day, with some of those days not going how I would have designed… The truth is, none of us are perfect. I find peace in knowing, I did my best and I made the best decision I knew how to make at the time. The old saying, “you do better when you know better” Just take it one day at a time…you have a beautiful family and I am sure your girls know you are giving it your absolute best. Lifting you all in prayer. 🙂

January 30, 2014 - 3:23 pm

Deborah - With out going into the details, this is what I consider my biggest failing. Not being the mom that I imagined I’d be. I still struggle with the wrong decisions I made and I imagine that all of my grown children’s “problems that they may find in life” somehow were caused by my short comings but I know in my mind this isn’t true. I was a good mom who loved her kids and they knew it. I just wasn’t a perfect mom and my heart is sad for it. I’m just grateful to know I’m forgiven. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through now but please know that it helped me to know that someone whom I consider an awesome mom has some of the same feelings as I do. It helps not to feel alone in this.

thanks for sharing.

January 30, 2014 - 4:16 pm

Emme - Paige- I am commenting not as a parent, but as a daughter. I am the child of a Mom who was loving, but made some really poor choices in parenting. There was a pool of lies and of cruelty that once discovered, seemed to be bottomless. It is hard when your Mom makes mistakes and it can have a significant effect on your life as a daughter. That said, as a person and a daughter, I am not perfect. As a person and a Mom I cannot expect her to be either. You have likely made a firm foundation for repair just by acknowledging the mistakes, whatever they may be. One day you daughter(s) will look back on this time and the openness and honesty with which you were willing to admit your mistakes and failings and they will cherish the example as they walk through it themselves with whomever they love dearly but have hurt in some way. Please know that daughters heal. Daughters are loved deeply by a Creator capable of filling in the gaps or dings left by one’s parent. They have not experienced this pain alone, just as you are not experiencing it alone now. Take the hand God has outstretched to you and walk the beautiful but difficult path toward wholeness and restoration with those you have borne. I will be praying for you and for them.

January 30, 2014 - 4:24 pm

JuliaW - I have only known you through your blog, but my heart feels for yours. I can totally relate, as I’ve had a major issue with one of my kids this year, and it has knocked me to my knees.I have had to rely on Him like never before.Sending up prayers for you.

January 30, 2014 - 4:38 pm

Gina - Oh Paige, I just came to see if you had any “snow” pictures. 😉 I appreciate your openness and honesty!! I think it shows that even when our lives seem to be going well, good marriage, able to pay the bills, wonderful daughters…..that everything isn’t always well. Sometimes it just can’t be explained. Thank you for being vulnerable to your readers. 🙂 Prayers for you today!! 🙂

January 30, 2014 - 5:10 pm

Stephanie - Paige–appreciating your vulnerability sharing what all parents have experienced on some level. Be kind with yourself and appreciate knowing the most important piece of parenting is having your kids know your love. As Maya Angelou said, “When you know better you do better,” and we all get better at our parenting as we learn. That’s just what a committed, loving person like you does. Your work and the way you bravely meet life is a tremendous example for young people, especially your daughters! I’ll bet your intention was never to hurt them and in that they will surely understand your human-ness. Begin to forgive yourself enough to allow some healing and know that the true result of this time will likely prove better communication between you all.

January 30, 2014 - 5:29 pm

Patti H. - Hang in there. Like some many other commenters have already said, this parenting gig is HARD. Praying for you and your beautiful family. The feelings expressed in your words are very familiar to me as I am going through a very difficult time with my beautiful 15 year old daughter.

January 30, 2014 - 6:05 pm

Pamela Zwieg - Hi Paige!
I follow your blog but have never commented. Be good to yourself as others have said. There is no perfect parenting and you are a loving mom and doing the best you can. As a mom of 22 year old triplets I can relate. I think back and there were some times I was not my best and it’s painful, but like another said, your girls know how much they are loved and that is all that matters. There will be times when we feel like failures but the goodness we have instilled far out does the fails. Keep on keepin on!! Thanks for sharing your heart!
Pam Zwieg
Barrington, Illinois

January 30, 2014 - 6:11 pm

lori h - Well, there is nothing I can add that hasn’t been said. I feel a failure at parenting often, and as my kids are in college, I sometimes wonder if it’s too late to fix? I was emailing with Tara about that very thing and she encouraged me so much. She is so good at that! I wish I knew what to say that would help you, but I can pray! be gentle with yourself, friend!

January 30, 2014 - 6:13 pm

marha - paige!!!!! You are so tender and transparent…hang in there..
parenting is work….we always wish , I think, that we could do more, do differently sometimes , but we are himan, dust even , after all.
God can fill in those gaps, restore and refresh/revive those seeds we have tried hard to sow and nurture!
He who began a good work is faithful!
We can desire honing and shaping and reviving, but have no fear, no regrets, you are walking along this journey with earnestness and integrity. ANd are shoulder to shoulder with others doing the same!!

January 30, 2014 - 6:54 pm

Paige - girl we would be such good friends in real life!! i so get it!! love you and praying for you!!

January 30, 2014 - 7:09 pm

Jan - First of all, I am so like you in the sense that I don’t keep anything to myself and I’m sure I should. I share everything. I just have to get it out.
As far as parenting…I have a stepson and I must say, I don’t think I’m a great “mom”. At an early age I couldn’t wait to be a mother and have children to raise and nurture. But I married late in life, (3 months shy of my 40th birthday), and I didn’t want to start a family at that age. (And to tell you the truth, something the size of a watermelon coming out of something the size of a pea just scares me to death). I think I used all my motherly instincts on my students. Primarily kindergarteners. They were my kids. I loved them so much. But I can tell you, after teaching them all day it emotionally and physically exhausted me. I can’t imagine having to come home to kids. My mother was a teacher and she did that. I don’t know how she did it. She was the “come home from school, cook dinner, clean kitchen, do laundry/chores, iron, bathe, go to bed and do it again the next day” mother. She was a rock.
Oh my goodness…I’m sharing too much…SEE?…I get carried away. Anyway, I admire mothers SO much. You have four beautiful girls. I can’t even imagine them giving you serious grief. I know it will all work out whatever it may be. God is the best! He’ll help you handle it all as I’m sure you know. Lean on him, He IS the rock. 🙂

January 30, 2014 - 7:24 pm

chris - Paige, I felt the need to reach out to you today, even though I’ve never commented before. As the mother of four daughters very similarly aged to yours, you need to give yourself a break! You are a fabulous mother who is HUMAN! We all make mistakes and regret the way we handle things at times. Raising this many daughters(with all of their ensuing emotions)requires a good deal of patience and humor, at times. Teenage girls can be harsh (trust me, I have BEEN there with very upset girls) but the amazing thing is that once you ask for forgiveness, they are usually ready and willing to let things go.
I’m not trying to minimize what may be going on in your life, but from what you share on your blog, it seems like you are raising some pretty incredible girls! Just remember, this too shall pass!

January 30, 2014 - 7:39 pm

tara - prayers for you tonight..that you’ll trust that God is able to use all of our mistakes to bring our children to himself.

He most definitely used my dad’s alcoholism and my mom’s extreme unhappiness over his addiction to bring me to him. He made me desperate for him.

I was mad at them for a few years during college and hyper-focused on their mistakes. It took me coming to know Jesus and getting married and having kids of my own to realize how wonderful they are. And honestly, even in the brokenness, I had a great childhood…not without bumps and bruises but still, it can always be worse. Now, I mostly remember all the good in both of them.
I wouldn’t trade my parents for any other parents in the world.

We all do the best we can with what we have…and somehow God uses every single last bit of all of it.

I’m here if you need me…
love the sign….very kind of Tiffini to send it to you…i know it’ll be a sweet reminder to you through the years!

January 30, 2014 - 9:11 pm

Kimberly Falls - Paige, I totally understand, especially with my senior, I just feel I made so many mistakes and failed in so many ways and my window of time with him is quickly coming to an end. Lifting you up and standing in the gap. Thank you so much for sharing!

January 30, 2014 - 9:20 pm

Louise - LOST YEARS?? PAIGE??? You DO share so openly and so much that wile I am sure you come quite a bit private I DO STILL FEEL THAT I CAN SAY WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT that you ARE A GREAT MUM! Perfect? HA I doubt it! I have a feeling a child or children are hurting right now, maybe failing is some area and have shared with you that you have hurt them in someway? Or that they feel you have hurt them is someway? Well isn’t that NORMAL? Don’t all kids (and adults) feel that our parents messed us up at least in someway at sometime? That is because we are HUMAN! GIve yourself a break, your girls will be fine . .and if at times they are not fine, well, that is becasue they are human. Whatever area one or more of your girls are struggling with (that you feel is due to your failure, or they feel is due to your failure) they will learn from, they will grow, and this too shall pass.

I never type in caps but I yes, I feel like yelling at you. 🙂 I don’t comment much but I read all the time and have for a while. YOU ARE A GOOD MUM. Not a perfect mum, and you should not even expect that from yourself. My goodness, your girls probably don’t even know how good they have it.

January 30, 2014 - 9:27 pm

LuAnn - Paige, I rarely comment, but I know you and I know your girls and I’m a mom in the same community (school & church). I know and understand the pressure of raising perfect kids in our community…but let’s be honest it’s impossible. We are human, we make mistakes….they are human and they make mistakes…. parenting is the hardest job in the world. We love our children and want only the best, in and for their lives, and it doesn’t always work out the way we want or see it happening. It does not make them or us a failure but human! I just wanted you to know I am right down the street, I KNOW exactly how you feel and I would love to talk with a friend anytime! Just call or text me. Sending love!
P.s. I want that sign for my house!! Absolutely beautiful!

January 30, 2014 - 9:50 pm

Michele - My dear friend I truly love your heart. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Many times we learn our most valuable lessons from our mistakes. You have a heart of gold and all you can do is try your very best. We aren’t perfect, that’s for sure, but we try each and every day to do the best that we can do. You are an amazing Mother and I truly admire your parenting skills Paige. Have we both made parenting mistakes? Of course we have! Your love and pride for your daughters makes me smile and your daughters are so very blessed to have you as their Mom. Miss you my friend. Hoping to see you on one of my upcoming trips to Alpharetta. xoxo

January 30, 2014 - 11:57 pm

Julie - “my grace is suffient for you. My power is perfected in your weakness. Therefore, I would rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me”. His. Grace. Is. Sufficient. for you and your girls. Thanks for sharing your walk with us. I am praying that He will allow you to glimpse the beauty from ashes.

January 31, 2014 - 12:13 am

tiffini - your heart just SHONE here
every single day tell yourself that YOU ARE A HEROINE!
be real..be authentic..we all need more of that…not that everyone has to spill every single detail but you know what i mean…and your gift of photography has grown…YOU are growing..mastering it
using it for God’s glory and other people’s good
it’s all a part of God’s story and i am so humbled to be a teensy part of yours…love you
you hit this out of the park!! way out…xo

January 31, 2014 - 1:27 am

Sue - Paige, I am a faithful blog follower and rarely if ever comment. But yours is the first I seek to read each morning. First, because I so enjoy your beautiful home, photos, family. But, I have come to realize that I love your honest words, faithful spirit and love for your family more. Keep staying on that path. You inspire me and many others. His grace is sufficient for you!

January 31, 2014 - 2:25 am

Sophie - Oh sweet Paige, I love your transparent heart. There have been so many times, too numerous to count, that not only have I felt but I know I’ve failed my children. So many times that I wish I would have listened more, reacted in a more loving way, been more patient and well the list goes on.
We all experience challenges in our relationships with our children you’re not alone. You’ve done a great job raising your daughters, it’s so evident by all their accomplishments and their love for The Lord. God restores our brokenness and holds our aching hearts in the palm of His hand. Praying for you sweet sister.

January 31, 2014 - 1:02 pm

Lauren - I have been reading your blog for years! I have never written a comment but I seriously get so excited every time you post another blog post. Thank you for your blog and for sharing your life with us. You have truly made an impact on my life in ways that you may never know. Thank you for blessing me and my life! Thank you for sharing the love of Jesus on your blog as well. We need more people like you out there. I wanted to write a word of encouragement because you have impacted me and I have never met you. Thank you for being so raw and willing to share where your heart is in the moment. I have been struggling with explaining how my heart is feeling and you talked about exactly how I am feeling. I am not a parent but I can relate to how your heart is feeling. I am praying for you and just wanted to thank you again for all that you do and continue to do for women you have never met. Thank you! I live in Chamblee, GA so maybe one day we will run into each other! Keep the faith! God Bless!

January 31, 2014 - 2:02 pm

Susan R. - Boy Howdy! I can so relate to this post Paige. I think it boils down to the belief that crying is perceived as a sign of weakness. I, personally, hate to cry. One can either laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh because crying gives me a headache. Here, however, is the issue, I am a world class cry baby. If there is a show on television and ANYONE starts crying, I have to join in. It doesn’t matter what it’s about or who it is. The villain of the show could be crying, but I will cry right along with them. I was at a stop light one day and looked over at the car next to me…there was a teen girl and her mama in the car. The girl was crying and I swear, I started crying. I don’t even know what she was crying about, but by golly, she wasn’t going to cry alone. I have to believe God built me with a deep empathy for others and that this outward sign of weakness is actually a huge blessing and strength. Because it is in that “perceived weakness” that I have met and helped some wonderful people in my life. Remember…it’s what brought me to know you? When Miss Caroline was sick. And yes, I even cried for her. This little girl who was ailing and I didn’t even know her.

February 1, 2014 - 2:31 pm

Leigh Ann Herrin - The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. Galatians 5:6

February 2, 2014 - 1:54 am

Destiny - His grace is sufficient… it and you are enough.

February 5, 2014 - 4:18 pm

Alecia - Beautiful post…thanks so much for sharing your heart and all God is teaching you at the moment. Your humility is refreshing. I will join you in praying for restoration, my friend. He is SOOOO good at that! 🙂 I speak Romans 15:13 over you… “May the God of hope fill you will all joy as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with the hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” !!