i’ve never done sad very well.
i can still remember our family room in nashville. dark wood paneling. tv on the left side, kitchen was on the right. i was watching gomer pyle. sarge was yelling at him and i was so sad for gomer. so sad i was crying. mom or dad walked by, that part i don’t remember, and i made sure they didn’t see me crying. i must have been 6 years old.
when we would watch the waltons as a family, i would usually lie on the floor, close to the tv. that show seemed to often leave me teary. by golly, i’d be sure to suck it up before i got up. still, not wanting anyone to see me cry. i was probably 15.
when gregg passed away i remember someone asking if i ever wanted to just crawl in bed and pull up the covers, closing off the world. my answer was simply this. i can’t. if i go there, mentally & physically, i’m afraid i won’t ever come back. i was 30.
a few years later, after my second miscarriage with dan, i felt that awful feeling of despair creep in. it was like the sadness & grief from gregg’s death that i had successfully packaged away and thought i had… you know…. dealt with , found a crack in the floor and was slowly creeping in.
several years ago, i remember going to see the doctor for strep. while i was there he asked if i needed anything else. i humbly told him i felt like i wasn’t doing so great and maybe could use a little help. maybe 10 mg of something that would help pull me back to to the usual paige. he quickly responded that maybe i should exercise more. that being a stay at home mom ( despite the fact that i was and have always been an avid runner and i was actually working at the hospital, with what he would consider ” a real job” thankyouverymuch) i was prone to feeling unhappy. maybe i should take up ballroom dancing. ballroom dancing. i politely said thankyou and left. without any 10 mg white little pill. and never mentioned it to anyone else again. that sadness went away. it did. sans ballroom dancing. and the “old paige”,well she did come back.
i don’t know why i’m like that. but i just don’t like sadness. maybe no one does. but it’s like i have this phobia of it. i’m no pollyanna, but still.
ironically, i feel like i’m an open book. i’ll share anything. and basically i’ll share it with anyone. i don’t keep secrets. in fact, i like really don’t keep secrets because i forget others don’t like to share every single flipping details of their life with others like i do. you know, actually,you can share your secrets with me because odds are i’ll actually forget the secret itself before i spill your beans. i don’t mind people knowing my failures. i don’t mind sharing my fears and worries. that’s probably why blogging has always been an easy medium for me. i genuinely want to be on here who i am in flesh & bone.
but here’s the deal. i’m broken. my heart right now is all in a mess. i feel like that little 6 year old who can’t stop crying but i don’t want anyone to see me. i didn’t just mess up a day or forget to send in cupcakes for a class party. it sounds like i have blown it and blown it for a while in some big areas of my parenting. i wanted you to know that i am intentionally not going to share or write about parenting for a while. i’ve never ever wanted anyone to think i have it all together. i haven’t. but right now i’m feeling a little raw, a little broken in my failure & i can’t see out of this hole. i’ve stepped down from a group writing collaborative that focuses on parenting as well. if i can i figure out how to close comments on this post i will. not because i don’t want anyone’s help but because i don’t want to make this a pity party. i just don’t do sad well & especially not in front of others.
i know, believe me i know, there is much to learn and much healing can come from admitting failure but this platform is too big for this part of me right now and my heart is too fragile. it’s just not a good mix.
i know the lord is working on my heart this past calendar year. i’ve struggled with feeling unworthy of much of the gifts and opportunities the Lord has given me. i’ll share more about that later as i’m sure if this post isn’t cheerful enough, there’s more. i probably didn’t really realize it until a few weeks ago. and now i’m pretty overwhelmed in my spirit to add this on top of an already messed up heart.
but here’s another thing. i am not feeling the victim at all in this situation. i’m not a victim. i’m not trying to take what is going on in my heart and in my little world as “oh woe is me. i failed. i think i’ll go wallow in my sadness”. clearly my children are who i’ve hurt. i have done many things wrong in my parenting. many. it’s a mighty heavy load to realize failures once your kiddos are all grown up. when they’re four they forget, when they’re , well, not four, they remember. they process. they hold on to. things fester and become larger than life.
i know i serve a god who can take ashes and make something beautiful. i know he can restore the lost years. i know he is a restorer. he is healer. he is god who continually gives grace and mercy. i do. but that doesn’t discount that i feel i have many many lost years and my heart feels like ashes. today anyways. beauty will come & i know restoration is already beginning. but if you’ll just bear with me while i step away from the subject of parenting. for a little while.
this gorgeous sign is available in my friend tiffini’s shop. she contacted me recently that it was on it’s way. i wept. like i stopped what i was doing and was overcome. and i wept. she had no idea what a crappy yucky ugly place i was in that day. she didn’t.
it never ceases to amaze me that the lord reaches out , through someone unbeknownst to them, and blesses. he sees us and he sees every tear. he knows our tattered hearts. he loves us despite the bad choices, the words we say that hurt others, the generational sins that leave families torn and broken year after year. he loves us despite our mess, while we’re in our mess. he does. he offers hope & healing. he loves. my word for this year is love. sounds pretty monumental but not only am i trying to operate out of love, i might need some help accepting his love as well.
thank you tiffini for being a continual light & blessing to me. & you’re right. be the heroine.