my peaceful easy feeling & current crush

i can’t tell you how many times i’ve tried to sit down and share my heart over the last several weeks. i think back over the years & often times when big things are occurring, whether good or bad, filled with tenderness and vulnerability, or overflowing with joy, it’s almost mentally paralyzing to let everything land. you know what i mean? like my thoughts just sorta jump from “oh gosh remember this moment….” to “holy cow…i can’t believe this” to “…i’m speechless”….

each time i think i’ve mentally reached a cohesive paragraph i then realize i need to share some backstory or atleast details in a more sequential order which leads me right back at the elusive square one all over again.

i’ll also tell you this, i earnestly tried to be respectful of the element that much of the last several months was really savannah’s story. full of details and such that needed to stay tucked inside as we planned her wedding day. i almost felt i needed to turn down the volume here on the blog. something about sharing little snippets along the way via instagram and facebook didn’t seem as broadcast-like as blogging.

i remember telling dan last fall, right after trevor asked him for savannah’s hand in marriage, that i figured i had a big, dare i say scary, new territory ahead of me. i knew that planning savannah’s wedding & all the details was going to be so much fun. creating with my girls brings me much joy. so to spend hour upon hour dreaming and shopping for gowns & beautiful jewelry, venues & dreamy florals, deciding on music and bowties…all of it…was going to be a creative’s ultimate masterpiece. but i knew the work that would begin on my heart would be something different.

i knew early on in their engagement, heck, i knew my independent adventurer was going to “peace-out-mom” me as soon as she could! with job opportunities along the west coast, sending her away, far away, seemed like the most daunting of all parental roles i would ever play. so there was a bittersweetness sprinkled in everything we did. friends would say “san francisco is only a flight away”. and while yes that’s true, it’s a long long expensive flight away. i’ll share more in the coming weeks about how i feel the lord really spoke to me and helped my heart view this move, this big change in our lives, through a new lens.

i have much to share about how the lord did a lot actually. a lot of good these last few weeks. a lot of ways he showed up & how we saw him taking care of big things as well as small. and i will. perhaps not in sequential order, or perhaps with the backstory not as detailed as i hoped to remember but i will share. this time is such a beautiful time for moms and their daughters. i want to encourage ya’ll & i want to give him glory. so hang in there with me.

meanwhile my other girls have each had a lot on their plates as well. for the last six weeks madison has been in the interview process with an awesome company for a potential internship…in philadelphia. truth be told, i had to mentally put that possibility in a little drawer. i open up that drawer every now & then and think to myself, how on earth am i going to send two of my girls to opposite corners of america within weeks of each other. i’ve prayed over & over for us to have wisdom and be able to encourage madison. i love to cheer on my girls & i love seeing them chase their dreams. their dreams aren’t right here for the right now and that part is tough. i think about these things, pray, and then i shut the drawer. i have to. it’s a lot on my heart all at once. but those drawers don’t stay shut forever, fear not, just temporarily until i can catch my breath.

*update 9/10*~ within 24 hours of my post, madison was offered an internship with Anthropologie! she will be a buying intern in the home division at their corporate hq in philly!! any of ya’ll have a guest suite available for rent let me know! no really…

emily packed up her belongings & we moved her into the AXO house at UGA early august. she began her sophomore year and is majoring in early childhood. she keeps a mighty full schedule as she’s also a young life leader at one of the local middle schools in athens. this is such an awesome opportunity for her and again, i love seeing my girls walk in the things that bring them much joy as well as the giftings the lord has given them.

sweet caroline began her sophomore year in high school. i pray it’s an awesome year for her! it’s so funny but i suppose the baby of the family is always a “baby” in a mama’s heart because i think she’s still my sweet baby girl…but she can drive now. so there. she’s become a beautiful young woman this year. i’ve seen her do some big brave things. i’ve seen her ask the lord for courage and then walk out in that courage like a big leather jacket, wrapped around her and forming to her own shape. she’s steadfast and trustworthy ( adjectives spoken over her by savannah recently). she’s my peaceful easy. a dear friend called caroline the “hidden bombshell of the knudsen family” and i nearly fell off my chair….i think she is indeed quite the unassuming bombshell!

savannah & trevor drove off in their rented penske with all their wedding gifts and earthly belongings last week. they drove from atlanta to san fran and stopped at some amazing places along the way. she’s honestly living a dream right now, but i truly believe it’s all good gifts from the lord, blessing them with immeasurably more. and i’m doing okay. it’s only been a a couple weeks and they’re gone…and they will be for a while…but my heart is doing okay, little bits at a time is what i keep saying. i just have to turn off my natural desire to think too far ahead when i start thinking about the “we’re planning on being there five years mom” plan. one day at a time. and right now the lord is helping me with a peaceful easy feeling. he is and i know he will continue.

for now…

here are some sweet images of my baby girl that i wanted to share with you. ya’ll know i love Fashionable and the work they are doing. by creating jobs for women in areas of poverty they are committed to partnering with organizations that practice fair employment. over the years i’ve worked as an ambassador with noonday collection and this has greatly changed my world view as well as how i try to shop. the leather pieces sourced & created in ethiopia are swoon worthy. i have to admit i’m a little picky about the bags i carry and these are gorgeous, high quality and very well made. the zemen tote shown below is a soft buttery leather. the mamuye tote is a stronger, stand alone type leather. both are awesome! you will receive a $10 off code ( pop-up on the site) when you first sign up to receive emails.

thank ya’ll for being my friends. many of my readers have been here from the start, 10 1/2 years ago…little bit was 4, emily 10, madison 11 and savannah was 13. we’ve walked through much together & for you, i am eternally grateful.

~

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September 8, 2016 - 3:59 pm

Heather - Hi! I rarely comment on blogs but had to this time when you mentioned Philadelphia! 🙂 My husband and I live in a suburb on the “Main Line” right outside Philly and I had to let you know that it’s a great city 🙂 We have 4 kids under age 8 and we’re on the Young Life committee here! If your daughter ends up interning here there is great community! Love following along as you share your heart—you’re a season ahead of me with your kids and it’s such an encouragement! xo, Heather

September 8, 2016 - 4:36 pm

Jan Fusco - Caroline, like all of your girls, is so beautiful. I know you’re glad to have her still home. It’s amazing how time flies with our kids. There are many adventures to come with all of them, wherever they may be living.
I look forward to seeing some wedding photos.

September 9, 2016 - 8:42 am

Esme - Caroline, has grown into a lovely young lady. Gone is the little 10 year old. It is hard to believe she is now driving. She seems like your bohemian child.

September 9, 2016 - 9:19 am

Alisa - I have followed you for years-and as a mom with a pretty empty nest-it’s a new adventure! For you and Dan it’s time to be a couple and that is what I have found to be both challenging and rewarding-enjoy!

September 9, 2016 - 10:42 am

Talia - Your blog (and instagram) still tops my list of favorites. You are an amazing mom and your heart is so full of love and light! As the mom of two girls myself, so many of your posts speak to me. Continued blessings to you and your beautiful family!

September 9, 2016 - 11:30 am

Lisa Mothersead - Am happy for your family as, really, all these events are wonderful and blessings. It’s just gonna take some time to process, perhaps. I miss my oldest (31) every day as she recently moved to St. Louis. She attended college and graduate school here (MSU/Springfield MO) and so I saw her often throughout her 20’s. I’ve wondered how my parents so easily watched their 4 kids scatter throughout the country. Maybe, maybe, our generation has a different kind of relationship with our kids. My daughters are friends, too. I miss my friend.. But, like your girls, this move was a natural moving forward and I want that for her, of course. Beautiful wedding pic’s and Caroline always so lovely, too.

September 9, 2016 - 6:43 pm

amy maze - I’ve loved following you through the years and think you and your girls are so fashionable, beautiful, and are just great people…even though we’ve never met in person. My heart has been heavy for you as you packed Savannah up and watched her move across country although you have so much to be thankful for and I know you are at peace, it’s still hard to let them go. I’m just sitting back, taking notes, and learning from all of you moms who are going through this before me! Kinda dreading when its my turn to watch my girl grow up, but yet excited about the possibilities and dreams coming true at the same time!

September 9, 2016 - 9:57 pm

Julie C. - Paige, I just moved from Salt Lake City, UT to Philadelphia literally 1 month ago. Crazy side note, you are friends with Peach Goff, who’s son is Sam. He attends Antioch at Waco, and I attended Antioch at SLC. Him and I have a lot of mutual friends. Anyway, I live in an area called Manayunk…its 15 minutes from downtown. Haven’t found a church home yet, but I’d be happy to be a point of contact if Madison would like 🙂 Let me know! Blessings to you and your family!

September 10, 2016 - 2:30 pm

Kimberly - I’m crying reading your post!! All I ever want is a little alone time. But then, I take my kids out for a fun morning at the farmer’s market, read your post at naptime, and now I don’t ever want my 5,3,&1 year old to leave me!! You have done an amazing job raising your girls & have so much to be proud of. I love following along, so thank you for sharing.

September 12, 2016 - 2:44 pm

angela conklin - so, where did your baby girls go? Before you know it, you will be joining the NONNY club! And you will love those years too! Much love, NONNY

September 12, 2016 - 4:20 pm

Maria Hanson - “Little bits at a time…” Those 5 words are beautiful and true, just like you. I will continue praying for you sweet Paige as you launch your amazing “little women” into the world. You are amazing and strong even in the moments when you feel weak. Much love to you. xoxo

it takes someone strong…

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the path i jog along takes me right in front of our local elementary, middle & high schools. my girls have grown up in this community & attended these public schools for years. monday was the first day of school. caroline is a sophomore in high school. emily starts rush for AXO at UGA with her classes beginning later this week. madison will graduating from college soon. and we’re 10 days away from savannah’s wedding.

i’ve been a runner (although currently i feel more like a slow-jogger than an actual runner) for as long as i can remember. and truth be told, i love running in the heat. there’s something purifying and tangible about the effort involved in the run, especially when the heat index is close to 100. there are word pictures and scriptures about running, about the race, about endurance, about finishing well, about passing the baton. i’ve always connected with these.

yesterday as i passed by the high school & prayed for caroline i came up the hill to the elementary school. i thought about all the mamas dropping off little bity kindergarteners for their first day. i thought about the ones that surely clung tightly to mama’s hand all the way down what seemed like a mile-long hallway. i thought about the little ones who were so excited, who loved the adventure & were tickled to do it all by themselves. ( one of mine used to say “no, i do it” as she tried to do things on her own!) i thought about the mamas that would drive home teary. the mamas that would go meet friends for their first kid-free hour since may. the mamas that would drive their reasonably “still full” minivan back home to take care of the rest of the littles.

i’ve been there. i’ve been in all those places & i’ve raised all those kiddos too. i had one a little shy & nervous about her first day in a new place. i had one we called intrepid because her bravery always has inspired us. and i’ve raised one who came out of the womb independent and seemingly effortlessly takes on the world.

i thought about all us mamas yesterday from the ones driving their first carpool to the ones who’ve planned weddings for their first borns. we’re strong. it’s what we’ve trained for all along…we just didn’t realize it..we were so busy training our littles that while we were cheering them on, we too were becoming strong. i think about esther & such a time as this. i think about our kiddos starting new chapters in their lives & walking into their calling with passion. i think about what an awesome privilege it is to cheer them on. i think about the kindergarten mama & it’s as if she’s with them in the starting blocks, perhaps standing in front of them saying things like you can do it & you’re gonna be awesome. i think about the mama of the college freshmen cheering nervously from the stands ( insert aly reisman’s parents watching their olympian !! too funny!) as she watches her child run her race. and then i can’t help but think of those of us who are passing the baton at the end of an aisle to the one we’ve prayed for, essentially for her whole life. from the starting blocks & forward, we can do the hard things. we can do the hard things!

it takes someone strong to make someone strong. thanks p&g for yet another shout out to the mama’s who’ve raised champions!

 

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(the She looks to the future print is available here)

August 10, 2016 - 10:05 am

natalie cooper - oh paige. this was beautiful and touched my heart in so many ways. love this.

August 10, 2016 - 12:44 pm

Amy Avery - Oh dear dear friend whom I love with all my heart, this post just opened my heart right up in such a wonderful way! Wow! I just love how your heart is growing and transforming through all of this new change in your life. It’s like watching a master artist create and form his masterpiece, and HE is! You always are so gracious in expressing life’s journey as it happens in your own life thus encouraging all of us as we watch it unfold. You continue in my thoughts and prayers as Savannah and Trevor’s big day approaches. You’ve got this my friend because HE’s got you! 👊🏻👏🏻👰🏻

August 10, 2016 - 12:50 pm

Amy Coon - You NEED to write just for me. EVERYDAY!!!😍

August 10, 2016 - 2:20 pm

Denise - Oh Paige, I LOVE reading your posts…my thoughts and prayers are with you these next few weeks. So excited for Savannah! Prayers for you as this new chapter in your life starts also.
Love you sweet friend
Denise

August 10, 2016 - 4:16 pm

Lisa Mothersead - Beautiful. They teach us as much as we teach them, too. 💕

August 10, 2016 - 7:39 pm

Kellie - My girl will be a senior this year….she will turn 18…and then she will spread her wings and I won’t see her everyday. She is my only child and just the thought of these things brings me to tears! I have been thinking a lot about what you wrote in your last blog about praying for God to change your feelings about Savannah moving to San Fran and I am thinking I may need to get a head start on that. Thank you for sharing your mama heart!

August 10, 2016 - 8:26 pm

Mary - I have a daughter who will be a freshman in college. She will be leaving in 1 week. Today was a rough day for me. Your post was beautiful and was exactly what I needed to read today at this moment. Lifted my spirits and I know everything will be ok. Thank you!

August 10, 2016 - 11:52 pm

Elizabeth - This post moved me to tears. My daughter starts middle school this year, and I’m sure the next few years are going to fly by so quickly. She is strong and has such a pure heart, and I pray that she always believes in herself as much as she does today. I am fearful that middle school is the beginning of some hard years and I just enjoy your blog so much and hearing about motherhood from someone who is a little further along in this journey gives me such hope and strength. Thank you so much for your words.

August 11, 2016 - 3:44 am

Lou - Oh Paige – I so needed this! What a beautiful sentiment along with the inherent message that it’s all going to be OK. Like in the advert – ‘it’s just a little turbulence’! Sometimes I don’t feel like a strong mother, it’s good to be reminded that I am. L x

August 11, 2016 - 7:19 pm

Jill - Spot on Paige! Thanks for another great post. We got this right?! Thankful for friends like you to get through this journey together. Love you!

August 15, 2016 - 5:18 pm

Denise - Bravo!!! Well Said!!!!! My youngest is a senior in college and it is still tough. Both of my daughters are my hero’s for the heart ache they’ve lived…..We have all 3 managed Together and that part of life has been great 🙂

August 18, 2016 - 3:54 pm

Rebecca - What a sweet sweet blog post, Paige. I know where you are. We have three who have flown the nest, two living in other locations, including San Fran! And one still at home. I looked at my sweet granddaughter last week, who was readying for her first day at Kindergarten, and wondered where the time has gone, and who am I now? I love the She looks to the future print. I read that scripture at both my mom’s and my younger sister’s funerals, so it’s special to me. thanks for the link. You have alot of excitement in your home right now. Rock it. You’re a warrior mama!

August 22, 2016 - 9:04 am

Karol - So perfectly said. I’ve walked through several of the stages you mentioned and I’m in the thick of the middle school and high school stage. I know there is so much ahead of me and I’m eager to watch my girls grow and become happy, independent women. Thanks for sharing such a beautiful post.