i’m not sure where it started or why i’m really like this, but i don’t like “sad” & i don’t feel like i do it very well. it’s like i dread “the sad feeling” as much i dread the whatever that’s causing the sad. cancer. sick doggy. moving baby girls to college. a friend that’s battling terminal illness. whatever. all of it.
it’s like i’ve always viewed that emotion like an unwanted house-guest ( i only use that cliche because it’s all i could come up with . honestly…there’s really no such thing right? but you get where i’m going with this) who comes for a short visit but stays. like forever. and ever.
for some reason i’m so afraid that if i let myself just be sad, or grieve, it’ll never go away and that i’ll be sad forever. which clearly isn’t truth but still.
i can actually remember the first time i felt this way about sadness. i was a little girl. we lived in nashville so i was probably 6 or 7 at the time. i can picture the family room, or den actually- dark brown paneling & all. i even remember which side of the room i was sitting. so anyways, i was watching gomer pile ( early 70’s thank you very much) and sergeant was being mean to gomer. i felt so sorry for gomer & must have started to cry. i’m not even sure which parent walked by, but i vividly remember not wanting them to see me be sad. how dumb is that? i wasn’t raised to stuff my emotions. i wasn’t raised in a home where we only were happy and that was the only allowed emotion. i honestly have no idea why i’m like this. but i’ve been this way ever since. i don’t like sad & i don’t like people see me be sad. what a weirdo.
even when i lost gregg it’s like i was so afraid to just “feel the sad”….i watched a strong healthy guy die of cancer and barely hold his baby girl and i couldn’t even allow that sadness in, which of all times was the most obvious & most necessary. one day i was standing by the sink talking to my mom, gregg was near the end & it was just so awfully heart wrenching. i was crying. just a little but i was crying. and savannah walked up to me & asked if i was okay. dusting off the tears i knelt down with a big smile & told her i was totally fine. just fine. fine. she then asked why the tears were in my eyes. i remember my mom saying that i should let her see me be sad & that was okay…and healthy. gosh. i just couldn’t. i was so afraid that she’d think everything wasn’t okay. well of course it wasn’t okay but i think i figured well at least mama will be okay. life was sad enough during that time but i wanted my girls to at least see mommy happy.
i probably messed that one up. honestly to this day i still wonder if i taught them to stuff it all in instead of just wanting three little girls to know we could still laugh & giggle and that mama was gonna be okay. i’m thinking i failed “emotional health 101”. i’m not sure i did it right or even now, if i’m doing it right. but trying to give myself the grace that we’re all just trying to do the best we can…and sometimes “not getting it right” is okay…
now many years later with losing brinkley…dan’s cancer diagnosis last fall….even moving emi to college last week, i felt myself do it all over again. only allowing my heart to feel so much at at a time. one of these days i’ll get it right. i’m sure thankful for sweet friends that have been so sweet & thoughtful these last few weeks…friends that can acknowledge the sad but then tell me some inappropriate joke or something silly just to get me to laugh. allowing a little of the sad but helping me not let it stay too long.
my girls have had great summers & made some awesome memories. i feel like i have lots to share. and noonday has launched a beautiful new line…you must go check it out…and i have loads of photo sessions & some sweet stories of encouragement to connect to those as well. i’ve seen the hand of God all over us, carrying us & blessing us this summer. i’ll admit blogging has sorta taken a back seat and can be hard to make the sacrifice of time to write & share but i’m thankful for this little spot & for YOU! you sweet readers have been loyal & such a blessing through it all.
savannah’s drafted a couple posts about her travels abroad this summer & she’s got some great tips for you. that’s coming soon.
emi’s bid day at UGA was night before last & that’s so fun..can’t wait to share that.
madison is working her tail off & her fall semester begins next week. she had a great week down on the gulf serving as a mommy’s helper & i’d love to share some of those images.
caroline’s playing high school volleyball & was just chosen as captain.
i still hear my sweet brinkley as i go through the house & he’s in my heart all the time. i’m praying there’s a sweet golden out there who needs a home and will be with us sooner than later. obviously i still have much i’d love to share about that boy. i honestly feel like pets as wonderful as brinkley are truly a taste of the unconditional love we have from jesus. i’m so thankful that i’ve had that in many dogs in my lifetime & especially with my brinkley.