fear of health issues haunt me.
i haven’t always been this way of course. i went to nursing school for crying out loud. of course i was in my twenties and at 20something i feared, well, not a darn thing. i knew i wanted to take care of patients with cancer. primarily children. oncology patients require nursing for long term-family needs/physical/emotional/the patient and their families. and i loved developing relationships with patients. no ER for this girl. i worked on the adult hem/onc floor until my pediatric rotation. and once i was on the children’s floor, i knew in my heart, pediatric oncology nursing was my calling.
when gregg became ill i took leave and basically cared for him until he passed. looking back on those days, it’s funny, i know i must have been fearful, but i don’t really remember that. i remember just needing to keep on keeping on…for my baby girls. all three of them.
two months ago, august 17th i took dan to the ER for what we thought was cardiac symptoms. you can read here & here….if you’re new…he was diagnosed with colon cancer. he rocked his surgery & recovery and has been doing superb. we were told it was fortuitous, our ER trip, for unrelated ( seemingly) symptoms. we still need followup with an oncologist but believe he will only need followup care. praise. jesus. hallelujah.
tomorrow, october 17th, i’ll have outpatient surgery for my own health issue that began the week of dan’s diagnosis. we thought it was stress related ( & it could be). the symptoms have continued for six weeks. i already felt i was doing my doggone best being all strong & we can beat this with dan’s diagnosis. all my emotional energy & prayers going towards resting in jesus that dan was going to be all aok. i began to be just eaten up with fear that something was wrong with me too.
what the heck? who goes through tandem health issues? and we’re not old. well. to each other we’re not old. ha! and the thought of , really- both my husbands are diagnosed with cancer? i mean really jesus? are we gonna be able to roll through this you & i & dan? just keeping in real.
for the last several weeks i have been frozen with fear. i have ditched social media ( whatever right?) i haven’t returned many phone calls. i slept in on sunday mornings. i began to think yucky dark thoughts. and honestly, i did not like myself. what a wienie? what a coward? i laid on the couch for two days straight. i watched the duggars ( who interestingly enough, i find quite therapeutic…jill & derick’s wedding is going to be epic). i cruised through the first season of gilmore girls ( does lorelai purchase the dragonfly inn?). dan knew i hit rock bottom when i began to flip through a few duck dynasty episodes. who am i? i don’t even watch tv?
here’s the deal. it’s okay for me to be fearful. it’s okay for you to be fearful. there’s hope for the hopeless, come sit at the table…there’s always enough grace from HIM. lay down your burdens and shame. all who are broken, lift up your face. just come as i am. come as you are…to jesus. ( david crowder lyrics always mend my heart) but it’s not okay to be frozen there. it’s not okay to crawl in to a dark place in your heart and let fear eat you alive. ( literally. i’m down 8 pounds in these two months). because it will.
write psalm 23 on post it notes. slap them by your night table. and read over & over before you turn off your light. listen to your warrior friends ( preferably not your worrier friends -thank you christine caine) who reach out and continue to reach out. spend time with your kiddos watching the duggars. seriously. they’re so happy. hold your hubby’s hands and thank the lord for every single day. just that day. do that day.
so. my surgery tomorrow is hopefully going to end my “issue” and prayerfully ( and predicted by my doctors) we will get a clean result next week. they really do think it’s all aok. meanwhile, i am so thankful that his grace does find me…whether i’m under the covers too beat up to face the day or whether i’m worshiping on a sunday with my hands lifted high. his grace always finds us..always finds me…and thankfully warms me right back up.
( thank you to my sweet special friend who painted & gifted me this beautiful canvas)