frozen

33paige knudsen

so.

fear of health issues haunt me.

i haven’t always been this way of course. i went to nursing school for crying out loud. of course i was in my twenties and at 20something i feared, well, not a darn thing.  i knew i wanted to take care of patients with cancer. primarily children. oncology patients require nursing for long term-family needs/physical/emotional/the patient and their families.  and i loved developing relationships with patients. no ER for this girl.  i worked on the adult hem/onc floor until my pediatric rotation. and once i was on the children’s floor, i knew in my heart, pediatric oncology nursing was my calling.

when gregg  became ill i took leave and basically cared for him until he passed. looking back on those days, it’s funny, i know i must have been fearful, but i don’t really remember that. i remember just needing to keep on keeping on…for my baby girls. all three of them.

two months ago, august 17th i took dan to the ER for what we thought was cardiac symptoms. you can read here & here….if you’re new…he was diagnosed with colon cancer. he rocked his surgery & recovery and has been doing superb. we were told it was fortuitous, our ER trip, for unrelated ( seemingly) symptoms. we still need followup with an oncologist but believe he will only need followup care. praise. jesus. hallelujah.

tomorrow, october 17th, i’ll have outpatient surgery for my own health issue that began the week of dan’s diagnosis. we thought it was stress related ( & it could be).  the symptoms have continued for six weeks. i already felt i was doing my doggone best being all strong & we can beat this with dan’s diagnosis. all my emotional energy & prayers going towards resting in jesus that dan was going to be all aok. i began to be just eaten up with fear that something was wrong with me too.

what the heck? who goes through tandem health issues? and we’re not old. well. to each other we’re not old. ha! and the thought of , really- both my husbands are diagnosed with cancer? i mean really jesus? are we gonna be able to roll through this you & i & dan? just keeping in real.

frozen.

for the last several weeks i have been frozen with fear. i have ditched social media ( whatever right?) i haven’t returned many phone calls. i slept in on sunday mornings. i began to think yucky dark thoughts. and honestly, i did not like myself. what a wienie? what a coward? i laid on the couch for two days straight. i watched the duggars ( who interestingly enough, i find quite therapeutic…jill & derick’s wedding is going to be epic). i cruised through the first season of gilmore girls ( does lorelai purchase the dragonfly inn?). dan knew i hit rock bottom when i began to flip through a few duck dynasty episodes. who am i? i don’t even watch tv?

frozen.

here’s the deal. it’s okay for me to be fearful. it’s okay for you to be fearful. there’s hope for the hopeless, come sit at the table…there’s always enough grace from HIM. lay down your burdens and shame. all who are broken, lift up your face. just come as i am. come as you are…to jesus. ( david crowder lyrics always mend my heart) but it’s not okay to be frozen there. it’s not okay to crawl in to a dark place in your heart and let fear eat you alive. ( literally. i’m down 8 pounds in these two months). because it will.

to unfreeze?

write psalm 23 on post it notes. slap them by your night table. and read over & over before you turn off your light. listen to your warrior friends ( preferably not your worrier friends -thank you christine caine) who reach out and continue to reach out. spend time with your kiddos watching the duggars. seriously. they’re so happy. hold your hubby’s hands and thank the lord for every single day. just that day. do that day.

so. my surgery tomorrow is hopefully going to end my “issue” and prayerfully ( and predicted by my doctors) we will get a clean result next week. they really do think it’s all aok. meanwhile, i am so thankful that his grace does find me…whether i’m under the covers too beat up to face the day or whether i’m worshiping on a sunday with my hands lifted high. his grace always finds us..always finds me…and thankfully warms me right back up.

( thank you to my sweet special friend who painted & gifted me this beautiful canvas)

October 16, 2014 - 9:01 pm

Michelle - Paige, I so appreciate your candor. I have fought through “Frozen”, too and Psalm 27 was my light on the path to thawing, especially verses 13-14:
I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
Prayers & (((HUGS)))

October 16, 2014 - 9:03 pm

Wanda - Thank you for sharing with us. I understand your “thing” with fear. I struggle with it, too. Praying for you and your medical team! So thankful for His grace!!!

October 16, 2014 - 9:16 pm

Cindy - Saying a prayer for you tonight for strength, quick healing and good health for all the days ahead.

October 16, 2014 - 9:30 pm

Julie - Paige….I absolutely love how real and honest you are about your struggles and joys and everything in between. I have followed your blog for years and while we don’t know each other I want you to know that you have been a huge blessing in my life and I’m very thankful for you and your words. I have been and will be praying for you (especially for peace right now) and your precious family during this scary and uncertain time. “All my life, in every season…You are still God”!!!

October 16, 2014 - 9:50 pm

Denita - Paige, I can so very much relate to your “frozen” reaction to health issues. I feel that I can be strong and uplifting and “you got this” when it comes to other, but when it comes to myself, I am a BIG wiener!! What strength you show in this blog post though. Truly! That’s God, you know. He’s “got this” even when we feel that we don’t. Hugs and prayers!

October 16, 2014 - 9:53 pm

peggy - Paige, thank you for the sweet words! and for sharing! I love how Jesus meets us right where we are… and often times uses the words of others to reach us.

October 16, 2014 - 10:08 pm

DebZorn - May the Lord bless you and keep you and give you peace.

October 16, 2014 - 10:21 pm

Gretchen - “Deep roots are not touched by the frost”. Dethaw my friend, God’s love from his heart with warm you.

October 17, 2014 - 12:26 am

Laura - Dear Paige,

I will be thinking and praying for you tomorrow.
You had me at Gilmore Girls!
We will be strong for you out here in cyberland.
He has got the whole world in His hands and he will be holding you.

October 17, 2014 - 1:08 am

Jeanne - Oh Paige. You write the most beautiful posts. Your thoughts about fear and feeling frozen are so relatable to me for a different reason than yours, but applicable just the same. I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow during surgery and hope your fears will be put to rest.
xo
jeanne

October 17, 2014 - 1:52 am

Pamela - Praying for you Paige but feeling confident that your astounding faith will get you through these tough days. You are so insightful even in your “frozen” state. Keeping you in my prayers.

October 17, 2014 - 4:20 am

Evan - Wise words, as always Paige. We’ve been praying for your family and will continue to! Hope the surgery goes well.

October 17, 2014 - 8:24 am

Kim from 3 peanuts - I will pray for you all day today sweet Paige. I will continue to pray for peace and healing. I heard a speaker this week say that” life is not supposed to be easy or comfortable or safe. It is supposed to be GREAT! ” It is just so hard when it gets scary or uncomfortable but I know God is carrying you through this.

Love,
Kim

October 17, 2014 - 10:28 am

jodi - i continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. stay strong my dear! :)
please take care!!!!
jodi

October 17, 2014 - 12:28 pm

chrissi - even when you are down you lift us all up. how do you do that?
psalm 23 has walked me through mourning and trials. sometimes i feel as if it was written just for me. (usually 3am.) so hold it close sweet paige and know that you and dan and the girls are carried in thoughts and prayers♥

October 17, 2014 - 2:59 pm

Heidi - Your struggle with fears about health are so relatable. I am a 3yr ovarian cancer survivor and still have issues of feeling “frozen”. Given everything you have been through w/your husbands and what you have witnessed in the field of nursing your feelings are understandable. I wish only the best for you and your family. His grace will comfort you in your time of need. A marathon of the Duggars won’t hurt either ;-) Take care!!!

October 17, 2014 - 3:15 pm

emily - This is beautiful Paige! Praying for you today. xoxoxoxo

October 17, 2014 - 3:48 pm

Andrea - I hope you feel yourself soon. Honestly, at our age we are on the backside of life. It’s a reality but it should be a gentle slide. Everything will be well!!

October 17, 2014 - 4:00 pm

Kathy - I pray you have sailed through surgery, and have begun to recover. Your honesty and candor are so helpful to others. Your witness is inspiring! I have had a frozen period, too. I truly pray you have good biopsy results soon, and a chance to let the comfort of regular old routines set in again. The rhythm of life can be so comforting. May you have beautiful peace.

October 17, 2014 - 4:04 pm

patty - ox

after three attempts and deletes of words waiting in this blank box, just

ox

hugs and kisses and prayers that your strength finds you, where ever you might be, today and tomorrow and the next… in church, under the covers, on the couch. but get out of the hospital, m’kay?

October 17, 2014 - 5:28 pm

Janelle - Thinking of you all! May your surgery and recovery go well! Hugs from a blog-following friend – Janelle

October 17, 2014 - 11:19 pm

giosmama2626 - Biggest of hugs, Paige. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. Gods blessings, sweet one. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all of this all at once. You’ll get through it all without a doubt. XoXO

October 18, 2014 - 9:41 pm

Jan Fusco - Thinking of you and praying your surgery will solve your issues.

October 19, 2014 - 1:45 am

lemonademakinmama - Love you my paige girl. Been praYing and praying! It’s gonna be okay I just know it. God is good all the time. Can’t wait to read that post you write from the other side of this. Love ya sweetie.
S

October 20, 2014 - 1:23 pm

Curtis & Sherrie - Oh Paige, we have friends who married the same summer Sherrie and I were married… a life time ago it seems, 35 years. 2 years ago she was diagnosed with lung cancer… has been receiving treatments, and only by the Grace of God is she still here, they gave her 30 to 45 days to live….. she is not cured only as they say in holding…. fast forward to last summer, and her husband is diagnosed with …… prostrate cancer stage 4…. so there they were both of them fighting the same horrible disease manifested in different parts of their bodies. I tell you this to let you know that they are doing well, they are here taking care of each other… they have found a renewed love for each other deeper than they knew was possible. You and Dan will make it through all of this, come out the other side and be well. You will look back at this and see God’s grace all around this and be amazed by how our wonderful Healing God works. We will keep you and your family in our prayers, for tomorrow and the healing days that follow. Know that God has big plans for you and your family, he is NOT through with any of your family…. Blessings my friend, you have no idea what a blessing you have been to all of us out here in Blogland…. Curtis & Sherrie.

October 22, 2014 - 2:43 pm

Pat - I’ve been missing a lot in blog land and just read this. It’s ok to just be…under the covers, in front of the TV, whatever. You have a lot on your plate and deserve to just retreat.

I will hold you both in my prayers as well as the medical teams. May their knowledge and skills turn these issues into something you will remember down the road when you’re both healthy and happy.

xo
Pat