it’s 8pm here on NYE. i’m in my funky yoga pants, a rhinestone studded sweatshirt & my new jcrew monogrammed ballcap which i scored for a song. rhinestone stud earrings & my running shoes. fancy casual. oh yes indeed i’m all over the license to pretend i’m dressed up even though i’m totally not at all. i’m also all over the fact that i’m about to whip up a latte, take a long hot bath & climb in bed with a good book. i’ll be sound asleep before midnight rolls in.
truth be told. i’ve never been a great NYE party person. for years it seemed i worked NYD at the hospital and needed to turn in early. dan & i , nor were gregg & i big party people. the last new years eve party we were invited to was perhaps before caroline was born. clearly the secret’s out that our party animal status is non-existant!
so. NYE? here’s the honest truth. boring, raw, maybe even pessimistic but here are my jumbled thoughts.
last year, december of 2012 i had just gotten results back from a breast biopsy. things were all clear. no cancer. years prior i had dealt with pre-cervical cancer scare and worried if i was going to walk down that nasty road that i’ve had my finger on for years. whether working as a pediatric oncology nurse or nursing my husband as he battled cancer. it’s been a part of my adult life whether i asked for it or not. so when i got the all-clear results last december i was certain that 2013 couldn’t top 2012. it had been a good year.
2013 went & blew me away despite myself.
but here’s the deal. we didn’t win the lottery. my hubby didn’t get a promotion. in fact he’s walking through his 9th year as an assistant principal at a tough tough school. our expenses are larger than ever before and our income is smaller. one of my daughters is wrapping up what is undoubtedly the hardest year ( i think) any of my girls have ever had. ( except for emi who in the 2nd grade ended up with mono. missed tons of school and lost weight. which was the same year a precious school friend passed away from cancer. and she went through a depression of sorts as she processed the death of her daddy which occurred when she was too little to understand). we dealt with doctors, counselors, sleep specialist, neurologist and medicines for the first time ever. we had major unexpected car bills. i’ve banged heads repeatedly with one of my daughters. it still is a major league issue for me to deal with missing the everydayness while having a daughter away at college(even if only an hour away). the leatherseats in my old school suburban are literally falling apart.i overspent at christmas. have let down friends and i’m certain dropped way more balls than i’m even aware of.
but 2013 is & was without a doubt, a winner. a fantastic year. grandslam. it was. every single dream didn’t come to fruition. but that’s alright. a whole lotta good came down the hatch as well.
we live in a country blessed beyond what we know what to do with. the roof over my head does not leak. my girls are all healthy and thriving. my husband has a job and the dog beside me thinks i’m the greatest thing ever. we never went without a meal and my suburban still gets me to photoshoots. ( photoshoot joy will get a blog post of it’s own) i hugged artisans in guatemala that i have the absolute privilege of representing here in america. they live in poverty and yet i’m quite certain have more real joy in their hearts than i do. i met friends that are so dear to me but yet had never hugged in real life. i slept under the roof and had morning coffee with several amazing women.
i have no idea what 2014 will hold. there’s a realist, dare i say an occasional pessimist in me who fears…well…who fears. ( i’m still working on that pesky issue.) but here’s the other deal, occasionally my glass is half full my friends, i pray that no matter what 2014 holds, whether it’s all dreams come true, or trials, or just all the normal in-between that we usually spend most our days in anyways, that i will be grateful for it. not wishing it away on 12/31/13 in hopes of a better new year.
it’s said that comparison is the thief of joy. what can i even add to that? my sad & my bad are nothing compared to so many others. and the flip side is true as well.
so here on the eve of a new year, fireworks booming outside my window, i’m still thinking on what my word will be. i want a 2014 word. i’m like that. but, i sit here & pray that if i need to dust off my rose colored glasses i’ll do so daily. that if even if my glass is almost empty i’ll be thankful for & see what’s actually in there…that i will SEEK him first. that i’ll have a GRATEFUL heart & a desire to be STILL and KNOW him. and if i accomplish that list in 2014, the growing bills and the dwindling bank accounts, the dreams and wishes, the future jobs and travel opportunities, friendships, failures or successes, highs & lows will all be seen through that lens. the lens of eternity. and what really matters. and choosing joy. choosing to look back and be thankful that HE was with me through it all. just like always.
happy new year my friends
happy new year!